Deep Young Thoughts

From a newspaper contest where young entrants were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 14
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.—Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.—Age 6
I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower.—Age 11
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.—Age 14
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.—Age 15
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace, imagine how serene and quiet it would be, until the looting started.—Age 15